AMBERVIEW

Where is Nani?

2012-01-27T10:29:00.000-05:00

2 nights back, as I crawled into Zainab’s bed to wish her Happy Birthday, she responded by hugging me and giving me a sweet puppa and the next thing was I want to talk to my Nani!! In vain, I called her Silly hammer yaya (my sister). Zainab spoke to her, cracked a joke, exploded into a laughter, and then mechanically she got up and asked “But where is my Nani??” In a rush I disconnected the phone to keep my sister from listening to this or she’d gotten emotional.

And then goes the same story again. Nani is in Jannah, she is watching you, she prays for you. And then Zainab walks to the closet, trying to reach one of the hangers-“Mumma I need to change, she is watching me; I want to look beautiful!!”

I still remember that 24^th January when Zainab was born 4 years back. Ami was so excited. She started planning for her birthday, and I was so cranky of all the night awakening and diaper changing. I yelled Ami it’s a long way to a year!!!!

The first question on her call from then onwards was How’s Zainab? What is she doing? And I remember feeling bad for myself. She doesn’t care for you no more Amber. And I would say Ami usay kia hona hay? Ask about me.

Zainab’s closet, the desi one, has always been full of red color. Ofcourse it was Ami sending loads of clothes every time she got the opportunity and she loved bright colors, both for me and Zainab. I would argue with her it’s a waste of money, don’t send too many at one time, she is growing out of them fast and etc. And she would very calmly reply “You never thought of money being wasted on your stuff. Whats the panic for now??

She sent a beautiful farshi gharara and tika for her first birthday. My baby looked like a royalty. One thing that I would send Ami very often was Zainab's pics. For a fact, I can never be out of the guilt that I deprived her from loving and seeing her first grand daughter, out of my own selfishness. I was busy- one thing or the other.

And then i had Kulsum. Ami grew even more excited. She wanted to see'em both, touch them, hug them. She never could. And now she never would.

Zainab reminds me of Ami. I look at her and all Ami's words start echoing in my ears. She wanted to have Zainab's Bismillah in a grand way. She had so many plans. She wanted to talk to Zainab on phone and Zainab kept running away. She's always been this phone-allergic kid. And Ami would tempt her with promises of sending pink ghararas and candies, after which Zainab would half-heartedly utter few words and then say good bye to her. And now Zainab is asking where is Nani? Even I dont have an answer to this. I never will!! Rest in peace Ami!!!

When words just aren't enough

2012-01-23T16:43:00.000-05:00

Sitting on my desk, listening to some random current affairs program from a website based back home, while trying to figure out my bank account and the design for my elder one's 4th birthday cake, and random images of my mother flashing in the back of my mind...Ohhhhhhh
2011 has been one hell of a year... So many good things and then one which just left me in between...in a black hole kind of feeling.....I'd lost touch of myself, ever since I realized that my mother is no longer with me.... I start doing something and then sparks of her words, her images flash in front of me and suddenly I am no where....
I remember as a teenager, I used to write diary every day. My diary had been my friend for years. School, college, work...and then I stopped. Now I again feel the urge of going back to words, perhaps that the best way to vent the zillion things and thoughts going on in my mind. Just that its not personal any more. Its been shared by many.
Every now and then my girls find me sitting in one corner of the house, come to me and ask "U miss your mumma??? Awwww!!" I dont know. Do I miss her? I guess I dont. Like a dialogue, I hardly forget her!!
Every time my kids do something, remind me of what she would say if they'd do it in front of her. I cook and miss calling her to ask should I put yogurt or tomatoes in Dhuwan Gosht. I eat and someone tells me Amber eat slowly. I drink and a voice tells me to sit down and drink. I hurry and an unseen hand holds my steering wheel to drive slow. Life has always been in the fast lane- just that the one person who was ever so watchful is n o longer there. People say 2012 will be the end of the world. For me, the world ended in 2011!! I miss you Ami!!!

For now enjoy this beautiful peony I saw at the park:)

2011-06-22T21:28:00.000-04:00

2011-06-22T21:25:00.000-04:00

Hi....
Well not that I had nothing else in the whole wide world so I started "BLOGGING"....However sometimes thoughts do bombard my mind and I want to not only share, but also write and understand myself.

Like today hubby called me from work and we were in the middle of discussing something when he advised me not be negative and that things will get better. Nothing new right?? But right after that I learned that a female politician resigned from her seat in the national assembly of Pakistan as she had some conflicts on basic principles within her party. (I love watching current affairs and news programming form back home:) People know that this is something big back home. I found out that yeah...There's so much positive energy in the world, right in front of us but sometimes people, incidents, or any such things make us forget about it.....There's still honesty, selflessness, respect around.

Well...will continue on this....m so hungry....went to the park with kids on their bikes and they came back, not on their bikes but walking so guess who was pulling the bikes??? You guessed it right....

CIAO

Love & light,

AH